Guess what?! I’ve actually been SELLING (while BARELY buying anything, once in awhile, here & there, since MARCH!)! I’m not off the wagon! Yeah- I know, who cares? You all don’t need to be my cheerleaders! Before I start in again, though, about my dumb life & the dumdum living it (that’d be me), I should probably do what other people do on THEIR profiles, and talk business! What was I thinking, writing a whole BUNCHA stuff just about ME! I was confused by this here “about me” segment, as I often am by “Tell Us About Yourself” blanks that need to be filled. I took it literally, thinking here was the place I ought to “open up”, when I wrongly guessed that people on here are dying to get to know one another on a deep and personal level; I somehow thought it was my assignment, to write a lengthy essay in which I should share my foibles, failings, addictions, love, sex, pets, favorite flavor twin pop (BANANA! That flavor is not yet invented here, in the Northeast! The Carolinas- you wouldn’t think it but they are light years ahead of us down there!), and on top of it all, my OPINIONS (don’t have any). Riveting as it may be for everyone to read all the news fit to print about me- well, telling you all that stuff doesn’t accomplish one bean, when I finally understood that I’m gonna be selling real clothes
right here on Vinted! I’m not just in it for the great vintage bundles & forum gossip, not THIS time! This came about as it dawned on me, later (as in, a few days ago, later!) as I was viewing the profiles of others; the way other people put it, you’d think THEY were gonna be selling things! Who wants to come off like a salesma- well, holy COW- what do moving trucks, whiskey tornadoes and/or marshmallow peeps have to do with moving get-ups on Vinted? I didn’t mention a single thing that you might wanna refrain from trying to pull while visiting my closet, and oh, yeah- no teenagers in groups larger than 2 allowed! I learned the importance of THAT rule from the makeup store lady on the mall in Denver! I remember MY days of blazing through CVS with MORE than one friend, a whirlwind of shoplifting Tasmanian Devils, flagrantly hoisting all KINDS of lipstick... and hair products...oh but truth time, Ima let it be known that I’m not actually a skilled criminal; I participated in a shoplifting spree or two (& was so nervous this one time that I grabbed a buncha stuff I didn’t even KINDA want, such as a congratulatory NEW BABY card, a huge bottle of Geritol (I thought it was a bunch of pregnancy vitamins & word had it that taking pregnancy vitamins makes hair grow back faster; mine was ALWAYS in some state of growing back), plus “Moonlit Mauve” lipstick, all frosty & purplish pink, and come ON, I wouldn’t have been caught dead wearing a frosty lip color, not then & not NOW! I’m not denying that I was ever even remotely, SORT OF, a delinquent. I was always at the scene of every last crime and constantly in trouble for stuff I DIDN’T do, plus there were always those accusals of “being on drugs”, and this was mostly bc I REALLY needed some corrective eyewear, but didn’t wanna hide my intricate eye makeup behind goggles OR deal with contacts; apparently I never saw anyone when they said hi, passing right by people waving hello right in my face, in the hallway, while I stared straight ahead, eyes glazed with concentration, trying to make it from point A to point B. I also committed some serious bumbling in gym class. Next thing I knew, the Guidance Counselor gets on the horn with MY STEPDAD (my mom never got riled up about anything, if she’d gotten my mom, and-oh) & CUT OUT THAT RACKET, “my diet pill is wearing OFF...” (anyone who guesses from whence this quote came gets a prize, ‘cept for you, Rachface, since I was just discussing this w/you & you’re wise to it already! Idk what the prize is yet but I’m great at thinking them up!). Oh. Well excuuuuuse me, I guess YOU never go off on ANY tangents when you’re writing about something and you can’t remember what it was...
Oh. Yeah, I wanna draw some lines (& try a few paragraphs!) to let you know how things are gonna work around here! As I (think I?) was saying, time to get serious and explain something other than myself (they BOTH need lots of explanations, but my online Duds outlet is more important atm!). The way I laid it out before, how would anyone even guess about the way we do things around here? I went & left a bunch of PERSONAL business, HERE, right in the way of where RULES go! Pay attention, here’s some stuff I’m not gonna stand for! BOUNDARIES are so important (I added that in case one of my therapists is reading, especially the Assertiveness Training one, though this here endeavor is a GREAT exercise in that! Lots of practice with NO! No! See there?). I might have said No a few times already, and I might have said it to you, but I forgot to officially lay down one single Law! Therefore, I will now ameliorate the oversight, & proceed to lay some down...
#1) “HI! I’m flat broke & don’t get paid til Wednesday... will you sell me this awesome thing that you’ve lovingly soaked, defuzzed, re-sewn 3 (or more) buttons onto, photographed AND agonized over its description, for, oh- $5? You know, that really fancy thing you love & SO don’t wanna- yeah, no room, huh? HAhahahahahaHA! I know what THAT’S like... I’ll TAKE it! Oh. But. Surely, you don’t MIND, giving that thing up for $5, NOW, even though I can clearly see that you’re asking for $22? Yeah, but. Well. The problem with that is, getting the thing, NOW- that option, to me seems FAR more preferable to, you know, ugh- getting it LATER...” I once said in this situation, watter ya gonna do? Me, I USED to cave in, faced with this kind of scenario, on the regular! Sorry- you aren’t gonna like this- a new sheriff now rides, & these days, instead of being miserable about saying Yes when I didn’t WANT to say Yes- in lieu of feeling like a failure- a soft, inedible failure, exactly like those peeps from Easter, laying, undiscovered, beneath the passenger’s seat in my car, until NOW (I speak the truth when I say that THAT is EXACTLY how disgustingly soft, sweet &inedible I WAS)! Now, I say, heck to THAT! What I WILL do is offer to hold this coveted item for you, until Wednesday, or even the Wednesday after that. If you love this thing so much that you just HAVE to try & rip me off, why not hold your horses until you can buy it, the way you would, in real life? At a REAL store! The only thing I want out of this deal is that you make a commitment to return and really buy this thing. I offer free layaway as long as you SWEAR... I know I sound like a rube here, but barely anyone has screwed me! Holding onto items for buyers, in these more modern times, most Vinties have been as honest as the day is long- especially my Regulars! SO- if you HAVE to have it, I will hold it- but REMEMBER- YOU ARE ENGAGED to it! If I sense for even half a second that you’re planning on leaving this lovely Free People Vintage beaded & bedazzled... thing... at the altar, I never want to see your face or hear your name (or a name kinda LIKE yours) again!You’re dead to me. Got it? Good. I’ll take some super extra reasonable offers, sometimes, MAYBE, for a few dollars less, on occasion, IF I feel like it, & oh, IF you’re nice. You better be nice! No choices here! I demand R-E-S-P-E-CT (despite being born under the same Astrological sign, I keep it real, & don’t even try to IMAGINE, in the middle of nowhere, out on the dunes of the Sahara, as alone as I could possibly get, in SPACE, that I might sound even SORT OF like Aretha, R.I.P. (oh, YOU don’t either))! HOWEVER, wanna know a secret? I would always MUCH rather wait until you can pay me my asking price than settle for a depressing, paltry couple of bucks- and wait, WHY aren’t you embarrassed, again? I don’t understand... but... no more $4 for a $28 thing! My prices are rarely, if EVER, above $30- even though I’ve been informed by Free People selling MAVENS... you better hope I don’t get any smarter! You might not have guessed it but I do RESEARCH to discern prices for these items, & besides the fact that they’re costly label items in real life, I believe that more than anything else, both buyer & seller ought to value the TIME put in, the drudgery that is ironing, removing stains and sewing buttons! The OLD CaitySchmaity claimed not to MIND, if the stuff she did to make an item exceptional didn’t pay off, and someone, yet again, wriggled out of paying full price. SHE would say, “Well, there’s always NEXT time!” What an airhead! That CaitySchmaity, the one you thought you knew, is dead! Buried! As in, can’t come to the door, she’s unavailable- quit trying to look over my shoulder! THIS CaitySchmaity lives here now, you are dealing with ME! I just might kick your heiny straight into the middle of next Wednesday- oh, look, here’s your paycheck. No, really, shut up. Thanks for everything & come again (only don’t)...
2) “Do you ever swaaa...?” NOOOOO! Be gone with you! One more article of apparel appears in my host’s good & gracious guest lodging where I seem to be parked forever, & I MAY get the 86, as I rightfully should. Must... not...look...
3) “What kinda bundle deals do you give?” Like everyone else (guessing), I DO give bundle deals, even though the bundle discount button is off. I prefer to think up my own rewards for bundles! It mainly pays off if you buy 4 or 5+ items- then I’ll pull out all the stops! I’ll toss all kinds of stuff in there that you couldn’t get but reeeeally wanted (you managed to control yourself! Good for YOU!). Then, you get all kinds of stuff you didn’t KNOW you wanted! Pay ALL the money I’m asking & I’ll more likely than not give you something in that bundle for free. Oh and just for fun, just imagine that you don’t give me any crap AT ALL about shipping... why, a customer who keeps the lid on THAT... wow. You’ll get a discount, a free pair of vintage boots, maybe a new car- who knows? It depends on the day.I’d rather come up with my own special discounts, & those are SITUATIONAL! The actual discount button is boring & used to be set at 15% maximum since I knew no one was gonna actually wanna pay for anything.
You see (have a seat)- I defected from all other sites (except PoshMark, so’s I can advertise stuff there & then lure people over here, see?) bc I was tired of seller’s fee, usually 10% or 20%, Plus even more fees sometimes bc PayPal, “payment processing”, & plus there’s the problem some sites have with no admin to break it up when a girl covered in sparkles & wearing a unicorn horn refuses to ship you your tights- but HEY, you’ve already paid! Worst of all, sometimes... sometimes - there’s this set up, so that a site will encourage people to send items via FedEx! SOME sites make that seem like a viable option! Listen up. You’re planning on putting that stuff in a box, & handing the whole shebang over to a FedEx employee? Your plan is to “ship” those items somewhere, off into another person’s waiting arms, a person who lives in another state, or even another town- perhaps a town only 45 minutes away! You’re THINKING that that package is “on its way” & it’s eventually going to “arrive” & be greeted by the delighted recipient! You might even IMAGINE that this person will write you a glowing review, when they get a load of the fanciness & care w/which you wrapped all the things- the vintage costume jewelry, the mini scented hand lotions, the card... in your MIND, you are sure that this other person, one who has shelled out real money in exchange for items that they’d wanted & YOU just so happened to have- that that other person will receive much longed for items, in THAT BOX, packed by you, delivered by FedEx. In real life? THAT BOX is bouncing in a FedEx vehicle, further, ever further away- away from you, away from anywhere, into the ether...usually that stuff is headed to places unknown, places not yet discovered. Let’s not think about it, too tangled a web. My brainstorm? Instead of printing a FedEx label, why not go, right now, & toss that package into the ocean? For real, go on! Do as I say, bc you will NEVER, in this lifetime, see that box or those items again! Allow your dog to bury it, deep in your yard, why not? You’ll have a much easier time, getting it back HERE, after it doesn’t make it THERE, if it’s underground or at the bottom of the sea! If it were were far far away at the absolute bottom of the Atlantic, getting your mitts on it again would, in comparison, be as easy as spilling coffee down your blouse. “Well isn’t there a NUMBER for that package? What about CALLING Fed Ex?” Oh you! OK, go on now, try & “call Fed Ex”- I don’t think I’ll be waiting up, sorry. Here in Vinted land we don’t BOTHER w FedEx; just THINKING about not HAVING to think about FedEx, it’s healing the ulcer I ALMOST had! Hey, AND- wasn’t there an entire MOVIE, a documentary, perhaps? It was all about where FedEx packages truly go... a movie, written for the layperson- they stayed away from any complicated scientific stuff, no intricate jargon from whoever made that film. There was even a love story thrown in there to keep the general public’s interest. There was that guy, he used to be in every last movie... that guy who looks like your annoying tattletale neighbor’s dad when you were a kid- the school bus driver who farted a lot and then laughed about farting, right there in the driver’s seat? It was... Tom Hanks! Yep, he’s there & then there was a volley ball, with a face drawn on it (who played the ball?Meg Ryan? )They were dumped off onto a deserted Island in the absolute middle of nowhere, along with SO MANY PACKAGES, ones that were NEVER gonna get where they were going... I didn’t pay full attention (I’m one of those people who talks during movies- I KNOW! I stay AWAY from the theater, alright?!) That movie, it must’ve been a tell-all, behind the scenes... and I think it took, um.. 8- 10 years later... I think SOMEBODY got a package during the course of the film, in the very last scene and oh, OK, I only saw the very end of that thing, one time. Why didn’t others, though, the ones who’d paid attention- why did they neglect to spread the word? Why wasn’t it in all the papers? I had to learn the hard way, and learn I did, so I could school YOU! Cuidado! I will wish with all my might that this won’t happen to a single one of youse! If anyone is ever for real trapped on an island, It’d be way preferable, if you ask ME, to be alone for the duration (not even a volley ball face). Although I have Mercury in Sag, always something going on, right here in MY brain! It’s a regular zoo/Broadway musical/circus/airport/bar/childcare center/boring party/wild party, etc, 24 hours a day! It’s Times Square in here & I don’t need no BALL!
**** past this, n’important pas. Down there lies a huge bunch of stuff I wrote a year ago, don’t bother, doesn’t apply now, ancient history... i have to save it though, since it took awhile to write it, and maybe I’ll jazz it up, edit it even, and send it to the New York Times! Currently it’s very tangential! Too convoluted to be seen by man nor beast! Aw, don’t bother... you have been warned!
Yep, I remember YOU! There’s a VERY good chance that we’ve done business before (I was the one who eventually bought every blessed thing in your closet- remember?). Ever since I discovered Vinted, & sites like it, I’ve been sucked into the gaping maw of online thrifting Thrifting (you shoulda seen it back when I still had money!). I didn’t even try to escape the black hole of bargain apparel! Do you SEE on my profile, the number of reviews, from items I bought HERE? That's just a barely noticeable raindrop into the bottomless, vast sea of clothing I own!
I’ve done it now, though, and the ducks have come home (like the cows, right?)! Now it’s time for me to confess, it’s been a YEAR since I vacated my apartment, with about 0 ideas as to where I might be going... I gave notice, I wanted out! I didn’t dawn on me that I should have known where I’d be moving TO, first! I don’t know what I was thinking, though I had several reasons to be in a hurry, and one was that I wanted to stop TRYING to neatly organize that the heaps of clothing I lived amongst... Rock of Sisyphus, you guys! Well, the flooding was kind of on my last nerve. The last occupant had warned me, 20 seconds AFTER I signed the lease! I wondered why nobody cared about running a credit check on me- or even cared about what my last name was.
I’ve been busy since then, imposing on others (people, ones I know, or sorta know... maybe USED to know), landing in their living rooms with 25 suitcases like a swarm of locusts. I know I suck, though that took me awhile to realize! For awhile I imagined that just because I'M too crazy to care or notice who squeezes in with me (& won’t judge me for the huge mess), usually w/out knocking, everyone else on earth feels the same! Now I realize there are very few grown women who’d agree, yeah, I’m JUST LIKE HER! Too much like expecting everyone to like Circus Peanuts! Yes- before anyone asks, for real, I once ate almost a whole bag of Circus Peanuts, on a plane. I put those things in my MOUTH, one after the other after the other...I didn’t know for a very long time how the rest of (adult) humanity feels about THOSE; it’s who I am, & I AM NOT ASHAMED!
Movers (hate me) told me (AGAIN) that I have more stuff than, not just a 5 Person Family, this time, but an extremely HUGE extended family (Brady Bunch). The movers shouted and fell to the ground disbelief (literally) when they came by to estimate how many “extra” boxes I’d need, & how much help packing. The long suffering moving company sent over 8 huge guys- eight! After 2 days of nonstop hauling & lugging, and having to get the “extra” full sized moving van, (and STILL a buncha stuff was left & I crept in the middle of the night & loaded up my car!
Never fear, everybody who’s encouraged me to post since the dawn of time, as of today, in August 2018, I’ve been POSTING! Since MARCH! All that stuff is still around, safe & sound in 2 storage units the size of 3 car garages- plus one “extra” 10x10 unit. I’m not selling vintage yet, I need money in a sort of urgent way, so I’m selling Free People & Anthro & Urban Outfitters- the modern day brands which I also have an abundance of, because I’m trying to reel in more sales.
Still, I have to fight myself with everything I’ve got because I finally noticed that I have a full blown ADDICTION! I haven’t seen any billboards lately, advertising recovery villas for people with a buying thrift/vintage clothing addiction. Someone better build one, though, because the longer I hang around on here, I meet more and more people “like”’me (not in the freaky “I like circus peanuts!” way), people who could USE a place like that! Recently I had to slam the brakes- I wasn’t “Doing it again”- I was STILL DOING IT!
I’ve accrued a mighty pile of apparel from all over the tri-State area! I’d try to sneak packages & bags in, from the thrift store, or silently scale the stairs, lugging one of the giant bags everyone knows I lug, when something arrives in the mail.
“WHERE did this STUFF come from?! I don’t remember you having THIS much STUFF!” Hosts were mystified.
“Oh I already had THIS stuff! I was keeping it in my car, I thought I better bring it in...”
I do still have my trusty (maybe a little rusty) big ol’ car! Wisely, I don’t often drive much anymore- driving was never my idea but I was forced to get my license way out in the No Man’s Land suburb where I lived before (“Why ponder life’s complexities when the leather runs smooth on the passengers seat?” -Morrissey- & still my mantra!) I’m in an apt currently, it shares a parking lot w the train station. My car is my hiding place, one more storage unit but this week I am FORCING myself to drive to Goodwill & deliver 3 Army duffel bags overflowing with shiny, barely or unused apparel.
It’s part of my imaginary therapist’s program (I read lots of self help & I really make myself sick, I tell YOU!).
What? OH, I am SERIOUS about selling, this time! I’m was on 5 selling platforms, but I’ve narrowed that down to 2while unloading my primo finds onto this fine community, I am gonna do more than TRY to STAY on the wagon- I am ON THE WAGON! Plus, I don’t have a choice- I am seriously broke THIS time, no exaggeration! I’m going to have some serious stumbling blocks though, since this means I’ll HAVE to come online probably every day, & check this site, and this means walking DI-rectly into the midst of the vortex, like an alkie in a Scotch tornado! Help me at LEAST get my one month chip- don’t offer to swap & PLEASE don’t tell me about ANYTHING you’re selling that you know I’d love, because you’re probably more than right, I’d LOVE to get my mitts on that thing you want me to see!
I have a sickness, & though my liver'll more than likely come out of it just fine, what good will THAT do? Picture me, homeless! (I kinda have been before, but didn't notice at the time ). I hear they keep shopping carts under lock & key these days. WHERE will I get enough shopping carts?! Where will I find the legion of people I need to help me push them all? Anyone see themselves volunteering?
Oh & as of now, I’m staying with Mimi, she’s a cat (R.I.P. Cody) & I continue to love cats, but as I said before, their fur is STILL the bane of my existence! I even invested in a FANCY lint remover, like the ones they use at the dry cleaners! I also have lint rollers stashed in every corner- in the car, in my purse... if anyone spots even a minuscule amount of fuzz, on anything, sent from me to you, I’ll give you anything you want from my closet for free! No shipping either, I’ll hand deliver it, directly to your doorstep! I’ll trudge through desert heat and/or Arctic wind, & I WILL MAKE IT RIGHT!
I’m very, very worried about disappointing anyone, and I’ll try & include every detail possible about every item I get around to posting. I’ve soaked almost everything in OxiClean (it’s magical, & the smell just makes me GIDDY (read:high)). I replace buttons when I see they need replacing, and I will die, trying to remove any pilling that comes to my attention (pilling just drives me to DRINK! STAINS, too! If I notice a stain on something I’m wearing, no matter where I am (someone’s wedding, the ER, etc..) I HAVE TO GO HOME. I can’t feel human, or even as if I have the right to exist, if I have a STAIN (especially a coffee stain, so traumatic, it reminds me of my 10th grade history teacher who never ever DIDN’T have a coffee stain, all across his shirt, right across his tie for some reason-and his PANTS- every day, it was all I could do just to stay in my seat!) If I ever send you an item w any discernible stain (see: cat hair)...
Don’t do that THING, and ask me to practically give you something, like it’s your birthday! KEEP IN MIND, I’m softer than a forgotten box of marshmallow peeps (which I proudly admit that I also LOVE)under the passenger seat, in August. I see a lot has changed around here, and though I’m likely no match for YOU, this time around at least I’ll TRY!
Sorry about the paragraphs! If you know me already (you probably do!) you might remember that no matter how I try to to change, I tend to be...garrulous? Loquacious! Blabulous! Just LOOK at this profile! I don’t actually DREAM I’m that interesting, though if you’re going to buy stuff from me, you NEED to know every detail- right? I'm an open book- a whole LIBRARY full of em! ASK!